Historians Discover St Valentine was a Roman Retailer

A UK researcher has uncovered evidence that Valentine of Rome was a merchant of extraordinary guile and expertise. I give you not one, not two not even three Valentines! Today I'm making you the amazing offer seven, yes you heard seven Valentinii who were martyred in ancient Rome.

Valentine was one of the first merchants to realise that the Plebs (that's you and me today folks) were more concerned with superficial materialism, rather than a deep understanding of the nature of true love so, he devised a range of 'love token's' that people could buy as a 'short cut' to love and save all the hard work! He originally had the idea to help him get over a cash flow problem that had been caused by overspending and cash strapped Plebs at the festival of Mithras (our Xmas) and soon realised that some people actually drew a direct connection between the size of the gift and the size of their professed love.

Over time he then realised that the Plebs were so obsessed with superficiality that he attempted to re-focus their attention on more spiritual matters by re-branding himself as St Valentine. In this way he hoped that people would not loose sight of the fact that love was a deep concept based on unconditional behaviour, and trust in other words actions rather than tokens.

In later years he became dismayed that the act of love only happened once a year,coinciding with the anniversary of the opening of his first shop on Ides of Februarius This wasn't to be and he became the patron Saint of Retailers (who some now suspect as a deviant form of luciferian and occult practice)

The modern Cult of Valentine can be witnessed as acolytes are lulled into a glassy eyed dreamlike state in the days running up to the anniversary by sub-conscious and repetitive messages to acquire love tokens. Then on the day itself people, assuming they are expressing the extent of their love for another are whipped into a frenzy of conspicuous spending as they pay homage.